Too much to think about, lots of hard facts and surprising reactions to face up to.

I just need to write down why I feel I need help with my mental health. When I had my breakdown in 2003 I was told I was depressed by my mother's GP in Dorking and my own GP in London. I was then assessed by the local NHS and put in group therapy (along the way, being assessed by at least 3 more people as suffering from depression).

After leaving group therapy after two years (due to my father's health) I then saw my mother's GP in Dorking, who booked me in to see a counsellor. I expressed doubts about my previous diagnoses but she was clear she thought I was depressed.

The only qualified person who has questioned this diagnosis was Dr Michael Rowlands, on the basis one hour-long interview. He also prescribed five different anti-depressants to a friend of my mother's before she found the ones that worked for her. So, in the light of all the above evidence, I am inclined to think that his opinion isn't worth the high sums he charges for it.

That's the expert advice I've received. My own personal experience is: irrational emotional responses (such as tears coming to my eyes for no reason while I'm engaged in conversation), thoughts of suicide, anxiety about interacting with groups of people, feelings of isolation and detachment, and a general inability to function on a day-to-day level at a level of stress most people seem to find normal.

Whatever problem I have I don't think it's imagined, or that I have a rare disorder whereby I crave attention from medical experts or something (I wish it were that simple). I don't know if the depression label fits it, or whether it's autism (as some have suggested), or whether it's something deeper that requires months of talk therapy. I'm open to trying CBT again, simply because it's worked for Nick, and it gives you tools to use in everyday life to change the way you think. I wish someone would pin it down, whatever it is, but I doubt that the answer is that simple.

Anyway, rather than write an angry, emotional response to an email I received, I thought it would be better for me to simply get clear in my head what I think the situation is.

Labels: depression, personal