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It seems it never rains but it pours...
We went out for dinner on Tuesday night and just as we'd finished eating, Aunty Mags (Maggie Fletcher, Dad's wife's sister) had an episode of Menhir's disease, and collapsed. The paramedics arrived in 3 minutes flat, and they took her into hospital for more tests. She went back home at about midnight, but she basically needs a lot of rest.
Signe Watson (Dad's stepbrother's widow) who is staying with us at Heather's, got news yesterday that a friend's son had been killed in a car accident early that morning, in Barbados.
Shirley Marshal, who had come up from Barbados, had to get an early flight home because her housekeeper, who was looking after a house guest she had left behind, had fallen and broken her leg, so Shirley's had to get an early flight home.
And now it seems Shawna's husband Neil has been rushed to hospital too, not quite sure of the cause or the problem, but Shawna's had to cut short her visit to Oklahoma, leave their car there and fly back up.
Anyway, I'm just hanging around Heather's flat mostly. I'll be going up to Elgin on Saturday, with Aunty Olive and my half-brother Andrew, to take my other 1/2-brother Arthur back home. Not sure how long we'll be staying, but I guess not long as Andrew has to head back to England on Tuesday (I think). Hopefully, we can head up to Heather's cottage soon after that. (One of the pictures in rotation at the top of the page is the view from Heather's cottage across the lake there).
We went out for dinner on Tuesday night and just as we'd finished eating, Aunty Mags (Maggie Fletcher, Dad's wife's sister) had an episode of Menhir's disease, and collapsed. The paramedics arrived in 3 minutes flat, and they took her into hospital for more tests. She went back home at about midnight, but she basically needs a lot of rest.
Signe Watson (Dad's stepbrother's widow) who is staying with us at Heather's, got news yesterday that a friend's son had been killed in a car accident early that morning, in Barbados.
Shirley Marshal, who had come up from Barbados, had to get an early flight home because her housekeeper, who was looking after a house guest she had left behind, had fallen and broken her leg, so Shirley's had to get an early flight home.
And now it seems Shawna's husband Neil has been rushed to hospital too, not quite sure of the cause or the problem, but Shawna's had to cut short her visit to Oklahoma, leave their car there and fly back up.
Anyway, I'm just hanging around Heather's flat mostly. I'll be going up to Elgin on Saturday, with Aunty Olive and my half-brother Andrew, to take my other 1/2-brother Arthur back home. Not sure how long we'll be staying, but I guess not long as Andrew has to head back to England on Tuesday (I think). Hopefully, we can head up to Heather's cottage soon after that. (One of the pictures in rotation at the top of the page is the view from Heather's cottage across the lake there).
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Just a quick note: if anyone can help me with the javascript that changes the image at the top of the page, so that it also displays the right title, I'd much appreciate it :)
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The Funeral
The funeral went really well. The interment was first, and although it rained briefly as we carried the coffin to the grave, it soon eased off. It was a bit windy though. The coffin wasn't actually lowered into the grave as apparently there were problems with groundwater or something, so we headed off to the service straight after the pastor had said his bit.
The service itself as OK, apart from the pastor who kept pronouncing Dad's name as "Charles EmtAHHHge". I'm not sure what the background of the name Emtage is, but we've always pronounced it 'emm-tijj', and I would have thought the pastor would have know Dad well enough, or have made enough effort to get it right.
I stood through a couple of hymns, but Shawna made a nice speech remembering happy things about her grandad. Gary Weeks then described how he'd been in to see Dad at 6am on the morning he died, which was a nice story, and then he and his wife sang a hymn. Finally, the pastor gave his sermon, and turned it into a fire-and-brimstone call to the heathens in the audience that now would be a good time to convert...
It's fun being the only atheist in the room :)
Afterwards, there was a reception in the church basement, where I met more of Aunty Olive's clan. There seem to be so few relations on Dad's side. I went out to have a cigarette, and found that the wind had picked up, and dark clouds were on the horizon. I went inside, and next thing, the rain was hammering on the windows, the lights went out, and we were in the middle of a storm. By the time we got out, there were trees blown down into the road, and the traffic lights were out for most of the way home.
Well, I'm a couple of days behind but I'll try and catch up shortly now that things have quietened down.
The service itself as OK, apart from the pastor who kept pronouncing Dad's name as "Charles EmtAHHHge". I'm not sure what the background of the name Emtage is, but we've always pronounced it 'emm-tijj', and I would have thought the pastor would have know Dad well enough, or have made enough effort to get it right.
I stood through a couple of hymns, but Shawna made a nice speech remembering happy things about her grandad. Gary Weeks then described how he'd been in to see Dad at 6am on the morning he died, which was a nice story, and then he and his wife sang a hymn. Finally, the pastor gave his sermon, and turned it into a fire-and-brimstone call to the heathens in the audience that now would be a good time to convert...
It's fun being the only atheist in the room :)
Afterwards, there was a reception in the church basement, where I met more of Aunty Olive's clan. There seem to be so few relations on Dad's side. I went out to have a cigarette, and found that the wind had picked up, and dark clouds were on the horizon. I went inside, and next thing, the rain was hammering on the windows, the lights went out, and we were in the middle of a storm. By the time we got out, there were trees blown down into the road, and the traffic lights were out for most of the way home.
Well, I'm a couple of days behind but I'll try and catch up shortly now that things have quietened down.
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In Canada
I got a flight for 5.30pm on Saturday, and Mum dropped me at the airport. As I was waiting in the smoking lounge, I got a call from Juanita saying that Dad had died in the early morning. Heather had sent an email but I hadn't checked it before I left.
I arrived in Toronto at quarter to nine in the evening, and Shawna and Neil picked me up. We went direct to Heather's apartment where I'm staying for the moment. It's a bit crowded now, as Shawna and Neil are on the futon, Joy is sleeping with Heather and Signe Watson has just arrived from Barbados and is in the 2nd bedroom, so I got the sofa bed last night.
We went to the funeral home yesterday. Dad had asked for a closed coffin, which made things a bit more relaxed I guess. Most of the family there were on Aunty Olive's side, all the Fletchers had arrived from Barbados - Aunty Mags, Uncle Robbie, another Robbie who I hadn't met before (Aunty Olive's youngest brother's son...), and I met Uncle Ben & Aunty Grace's two other daughters, Pam and Ruth. There were also lots of older people, probably friends from Dad's church. Lots of people who knew of me and wanted to meet me, who I had not known about before.
The funeral is today at 1pm, followed by the service and the reception.
More later as I get the chance to write.
I arrived in Toronto at quarter to nine in the evening, and Shawna and Neil picked me up. We went direct to Heather's apartment where I'm staying for the moment. It's a bit crowded now, as Shawna and Neil are on the futon, Joy is sleeping with Heather and Signe Watson has just arrived from Barbados and is in the 2nd bedroom, so I got the sofa bed last night.
We went to the funeral home yesterday. Dad had asked for a closed coffin, which made things a bit more relaxed I guess. Most of the family there were on Aunty Olive's side, all the Fletchers had arrived from Barbados - Aunty Mags, Uncle Robbie, another Robbie who I hadn't met before (Aunty Olive's youngest brother's son...), and I met Uncle Ben & Aunty Grace's two other daughters, Pam and Ruth. There were also lots of older people, probably friends from Dad's church. Lots of people who knew of me and wanted to meet me, who I had not known about before.
The funeral is today at 1pm, followed by the service and the reception.
More later as I get the chance to write.
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Mixed feelings
I'm heading off to Canada for a month tomorrow, as my Dad's condition is deteriorating rapidly. My sister Heather doesn't think he's going to last long.
I'm finding it hard to get emotional about it at all, I have very mixed feelings. On the one hand, I don't feel any connection with Dad at all, as he's pretty much made it clear he's never been interested in keeping in touch or being an active influence in my life. As far as he's concerned, God has forgiven him for the sin of fathering me. He hasn't asked forgiveness from God or from me for abandoning me, however, as he doesn't recognise this as a fault.
On the other hand, I'm concerned for Heather and the way she's feeling, and I don't want to show my apathy for Dad's situation as she is clearly very distressed by his condition and very close to him. So I'm going to support her in a time when I should in theory need support myself, but I don't. In a way his death will draw a line under the subject for me.
Better get packing then.
I'm finding it hard to get emotional about it at all, I have very mixed feelings. On the one hand, I don't feel any connection with Dad at all, as he's pretty much made it clear he's never been interested in keeping in touch or being an active influence in my life. As far as he's concerned, God has forgiven him for the sin of fathering me. He hasn't asked forgiveness from God or from me for abandoning me, however, as he doesn't recognise this as a fault.
On the other hand, I'm concerned for Heather and the way she's feeling, and I don't want to show my apathy for Dad's situation as she is clearly very distressed by his condition and very close to him. So I'm going to support her in a time when I should in theory need support myself, but I don't. In a way his death will draw a line under the subject for me.
Better get packing then.
Visit to the Doc
Well, I saw the doc for a checkup today, as I'm almost out of my first batch of Citalopram. Very disappointed with her comments. She is of the school that believes that depression is purely a chemical imbalance, and that lots of exercise, along with the pills, will have me right as rain in no time. When I said that I'd like to have more talk therapy, she advised against it, saying that "introspection will just make the depression worse". So, no more introspection? I should just be a carefree airhead? Yikes.
The problem is that not only does the effect of SSRIs seem to creep up on me, but just as they were meant to start being effective (6 weeks after initial treatment) the weather turned nice, I've started doing some gardening, and also we have my sister's dog her for a while so I've been taking her for walks. The added exercie, the sunny weather, and the presence of a dog (I love dogs); all these factors could be the reason Nick said I was sounding 'a bit more chirpy'.
Anyway, we'll see. I've posted this URL up on my Google Talk status, so I expect to see loads of comments now from all those friends of mine who I've been too "introspective" to contact recently... :p
Oh, and also check out the new links - Angel's new blog being the first one :)
Distracted
Well, so much for keeping up to date... I've just not felt up to blogging for the last few days. Maybe I should actually tell some people about my blog, and then I'll have more of a reason to update it!
I've recently caught up with events in EVE. It seems the alliance my corp was in, UCC, has pretty much split up, so it looks like we are trying to get into another alliance. I hope it's based more in Caldari space, 'cos I have so many assets there now that it would be a pain moving anywhere else. Also, in my time away I have trained up some pretty nice skills, and I'm hoping to be flying a covert ops frigate the next time I do any PvP.
In other gaming news, I've been hooked by a Flash game I found in a list of the 5 most addictive games. Good move, eh? I've almost got the hang of it, but keep losing just as my defences are starting to build up nicely. Question is, do I start using Swarm Towers? If you have a go, add your scores to the "baz" group to compare with mine.
I've recently caught up with events in EVE. It seems the alliance my corp was in, UCC, has pretty much split up, so it looks like we are trying to get into another alliance. I hope it's based more in Caldari space, 'cos I have so many assets there now that it would be a pain moving anywhere else. Also, in my time away I have trained up some pretty nice skills, and I'm hoping to be flying a covert ops frigate the next time I do any PvP.
In other gaming news, I've been hooked by a Flash game I found in a list of the 5 most addictive games. Good move, eh? I've almost got the hang of it, but keep losing just as my defences are starting to build up nicely. Question is, do I start using Swarm Towers? If you have a go, add your scores to the "baz" group to compare with mine.
Grey day
I've had Angel down here since Sunday evening, which has been difficult due to Mum's prediliction for imposing arbitrary rules on her. In Mum's world, children should be ordered and controlled, which clashes somewhat with Angel's free spirit.
Yesterday Mum came up for her shower (we're sharing one bathroom again, this time it's mine) in a foul mood, and snapped at Angel for saying "Morning" rather than "Good morning"... this continued pretty much until I decided I wasn't going to take any more, so I spent most of the day outside, finishing off the lawn raking and cutting a new edge on the outside bed. It was gorgeous weather, perfect for gardening, and I was in my T-shirt.
I couldn't help thinking that Mum's irrational anger must be a cause of my depression. I'm pretty sure she was like that when I was a kid - whether it was because she suffered from migraines or whether it's a hormone thing - but one of the causes of depression mentioned in "Malignant Sadness" is the idea of learned helplessness. If a child finds that whatever they do, the parent still punishes them, then the child learns to give up trying to do anything.
Anyway, Juanita, William and Freddie pitched up later, as Juanita was going around to help clear out Aunty Angela's house. It was good to see Will, he's a "stand-up guy" as the americans would say. Little Freddie is cute and of course Angel wanted to hold and play with him.
Today however, I have no energy whatsoever. Spent most of the morning in bed, and am still in my dressing gown at 2pm. Mum seems to be more relaxed today, and has gone out to do some shopping. I tried taking some licquorice extract but my energy levels didn't budge. Seems weird that I should feel so lethargic after two days of hard exercise, which only reinforces my impression that exercise really isn't good for one. Not, at least, this one.
Yesterday Mum came up for her shower (we're sharing one bathroom again, this time it's mine) in a foul mood, and snapped at Angel for saying "Morning" rather than "Good morning"... this continued pretty much until I decided I wasn't going to take any more, so I spent most of the day outside, finishing off the lawn raking and cutting a new edge on the outside bed. It was gorgeous weather, perfect for gardening, and I was in my T-shirt.
I couldn't help thinking that Mum's irrational anger must be a cause of my depression. I'm pretty sure she was like that when I was a kid - whether it was because she suffered from migraines or whether it's a hormone thing - but one of the causes of depression mentioned in "Malignant Sadness" is the idea of learned helplessness. If a child finds that whatever they do, the parent still punishes them, then the child learns to give up trying to do anything.
Anyway, Juanita, William and Freddie pitched up later, as Juanita was going around to help clear out Aunty Angela's house. It was good to see Will, he's a "stand-up guy" as the americans would say. Little Freddie is cute and of course Angel wanted to hold and play with him.
Today however, I have no energy whatsoever. Spent most of the morning in bed, and am still in my dressing gown at 2pm. Mum seems to be more relaxed today, and has gone out to do some shopping. I tried taking some licquorice extract but my energy levels didn't budge. Seems weird that I should feel so lethargic after two days of hard exercise, which only reinforces my impression that exercise really isn't good for one. Not, at least, this one.
Labels: depression, family, personal