Many miles away something crawls from the slime
At the bottom of a dark Scottish lake.

Things are happening. It's almost time to go to Canada; I have my Theory Test on the 3rd; seeing a consultant psychiatrist next Monday; going up to London to see Angel next weekend; and the Jobcentre people want to interview me about getting work.

I was hoping to get out to Holland to see Roger and Anneke this week, but the Benefits process apparently involves going all the way to the nearest Job Centre to confirm that what the doctor says on my certificate is correct. I've decided that the pills I was on (Citalopram) weren't doing anything for me, and as my GP was telling me to "just take the pills and do some excercise" that leaves me with very little actualy happening in terms of treatment. So I've decided to go and see a consultant who was recommended by a friend of Mum's. Not cheap, but hopefully he'll have some sort of clue where I should be going from here.

I haven't seen Angel since I got back from my last trip, so I'm hoping to go up next weekend and go out with her and Mandi, maybe to see a film or have a meal or something. It seems ridiculous that I can't go and see Angel at her home; maybe that will change some day soon. That will leave a couple of weeks before we both go out to Canada for two weeks. I've been seeing facebook entries from everyone up at the cottage and I'm hoping some of them will be around still when we get there :)

I sent off my old, paper Provisional License to the DVLA (given to me by my sister for my 17th birthday) and got back a shiny new photo card that probably tells every government agency where I am and what I had for breakfast... so I was able to book a Theory test. I still haven't gotten around to buying a Highway Code or the list of 600 questions they may ask in the test. I guess I'll swot up on that closer to the date.

To answer Shawna's question (am I an atheist or agnostic?) the answer is I don't know. I've never truly understood the difference, although I'm guessing I'm the latter. To be an atheist implies you have proof that god doesn't exist. Until I have proof for or against, I suspend judgement. And by proof, I don't necessarily mean the "seeing is believing" type of proof, but any hint or sign. But I guess saying I'm an atheist sums up what I currently (don't) believe, so that's the word I use most often.

As I see it, most Christians I know have been brought up as such and have lived in an environment that is geared towards strengthening their beliefs. Having been the only non-believer in the group all the time while in Canada, I can see how being outside the group would be hard, and breaking out of the group even harder. And why break out if there's no reason to? It's not like renouncing their faith is going to make their lives and easier or happier, so why bother? Having said that, I'm not exactly a 'group' sort of person, so maybe I thrive on being the outsider. But I do envy the support network the church provides, and I agree with most of the moral principles Christians uphold.

In fact, as I become more and more a 'grumpy old man', it would be easy to say that the church has it all right. Well, it does have a lot of things right, but then why formalise it to such an extent? Why have faith in some mythical being when you could just have faith in yourself and your friends? I guess it's harder because people change, and disagree, and betray, whereas a mythical being stays the same.

In fact, I'm quite willing to believe in some sort of 'higher power', but the problem is that this power can't communicate directly with you. All the things written about god (whichever one you want to belive in), and all the principles attributed to god, are written by men, and usually men with an agenda, that agenda usually being power. Christians talk about trusting 'the word of God', but that word was written by men - men that lived over 1500 years ago (none of them alive at the time these things happened). Not only that, but this 'word' was then translated by other men, who had a monopoly on the original texts. It's enough to ask to have faith in a god - to have faith in all these men communicating the 'word' of this god is taking it up another level.